Earlier this year, I was officially diagnosed with Anxiety. A sense of relief washed over me when I had that confirmation given to me. I knew what was wrong and I could do something about it.
My anxiety has had an impact on my life for as long as I can remember but more so over the last 2 years. Every day tasks leave me riddled with anxiety: Travelling can cause me to feel sick with anxiety, being away from My Mum can leave me feeling on edge and on the verge of panicking, education can make me feel beyond stressed and worried, crowds can cause me to have panic attacks and worrying about things that aren’t in my control can leave me crying for hours.
I will say now that I have days where I can feel absolutely fine and not have a care in the world. Those days are great. I can be happy, enjoy myself and be thankful for everything. Other days are the complete opposite. I can wake up feeling anxious FOR NO REASON which immediately spoils my day as I’m always asking myself, “Why? Why am I like this?” There’s nothing more disheartening than waking up with that tight feeling in your chest, that horrible ache in your stomach and that feeling of unease and restlessness. It makes me to want hide away and forget about the world.
By far, the biggest difficulty with my anxiety has been with jobs. I’ve had 2 jobs before, both lasted less than a week because of my anxiety. I’ve had job offers which I haven’t accepted because of my anxiety. I’ve had people say it’s because I can’t be bothered to work when that’s not the case. I WANT to work but my anxiety gets in the way. I think it ties in with a lot of other triggers such as the separation anxiety I feel when I’m away from my Mum. It sucks.
It’s not all bad though. I’m on medication. I’m awaiting CBT and I’m hoping I can move forward. I have had a LOT of positives too.
For those of you who don’t know, I dropped out of college last year because of my anxiety. I restarted my A Levels and completed my first year back in June.
This was my reaction after I completed my last mock exam. I felt happy, content and ready to enjoy summer.
I’m also out and about more than I used to be. London is one of my favourite places in the world and I always find the time to get up there. Theatre is one of my all time favourite things and is my happy time. It’s a chance for me to forget about myself and get enthralled in a completely different world.
So it’s not all bad. Progress is happening and I am slowly getting better. Once I start receiving CBT sessions, I’m hoping to make even more progress.
Once upon a time, I thought anxiety would consume me for the rest of my life. Now I’m slowly fighting through it.